„My money is my business“: we build financial boundaries

How to build financial relations with loved ones correctly if they constantly climb into your territory, violating the boundaries? How to ask for salaries if you are familiar with an impostor syndrome? We share working practices.

I prefer to define the types of borders as „mine“ and „not mine“. Even the closest people (parents, children, spouses) are important to realize where “mine” is “mine”, and where “not mine”, and not to violate the boundaries. The degree of penetration into the personal territory of another person depends on culture, education and trust. And in order to live without conflicts in the modern world, you must be able to negotiate.

Material (financial) boundaries

This is the protection of personal property and the right to have its own budget. Unwillingness to share toys in children – the beginning of upholding their property boundaries. Unfortunately, the attitude “everything is common”, “public above personal” distorted the ideas of people about them.

Every day at consultations, I faced the fact that in 90% of the family they do not understand how both the husband and wife are able to have their own personal budget. Or how to refuse friends who asked to borrow a large amount of money? Respect for your material boundaries is to allow yourself not to give it if something inside you opposes this. And strangers-not be offended if you were not given something.

How to build personal boundaries with relatives

The most common complaints: “Mom climbs”, “Dad waves a fist”. Even if the baby is already over thirty, he hears every now and then: “There is no need to spend so much”, “Why such an expensive car”, “Why buy potatoes, if you can grow it ourselves”. And then a similar story begins with the relatives of her husband or wife.

How to learn how to fight back? Politely, but firmly. Say no and not offend – such a skill is also formed, this is the position of an adult. If a 30-year-old child has not learned to build borders with his parents, then he will transfer it to his family, which will most likely lead to conflicts and screams from the series: “They do not understand me!“

Why people are afraid to seem rude, and they consider the upset of their borders something uncomfortable? How to learn to „fight back“ culturally?

Fears of others to cause discomfort arise at the level of instincts. This is a fear of being rejected. In primitive or ancient society, exile from the pack was death. These “Silent” and “Beats” were inspired by our ancestors with the purpose of self -preservation or “no matter what happened”.

Even the phrase “cultivate to fight back” speaks for itself: here either “fight back” or “cultural”. By old standards, to be cultural is to sacrifice your borders,

and if necessary, then life. Now the trend is different: „I don’t like it alone, I like me to another“. Therefore, it is easier for modern children to say no, and others have to put up with this.